Talent and Vince Vaughn

I wish I had any talent at all at anything other than being loud in bars and doing bad Vince Vaughn impressions. (BTW, greatest comedic actor ever. Not open to discussion.)

I wish I could play the guitar. I wish I wrote this song. I wish I sang like Eddie Vedder any place other than my own shower. When nobody is around.

Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you the greatest song ever. Pearl Jam's "Black". Unplugged.

A rant. Come on, I'm allowed one a month, right?

So, I don't like to admit this publicly. But I'm pretty much addicted to Twitter. I love it. I love the connections. The new friendships. The instantaneous way that we as an Internet community exchange important messages. We have absolutely created a paradigm shift with regards to new delivery of information. Most recently, the Haitian Earthquake has proven to be such an event. I'm now following several people who were in Haiti for various reasons (prior to the quake) and reading their tweets nightly to see what sort of progress or stories of hope they bring back with them. This medium of Twitter is important in so many ways, and I believe that we've only scratched the surface with it.

Now here's my rant. Twitter is broken constantly. It's always down. It never works. "Bad Gateway." "Twitter is over capacity." "Twitter can't handle all your awesome today, Mr. @JMUmonty." Then it happens. I see the dreaded, damned, cursed picture.

I hate this guy...

This rotten, no good, fat, lazy slob, son of a bitch, freeloading ass clown that is the smug little Fucking Fail Whale makes me want to reach through my screen and grab @Ev and @Jack by their tiny little short and curly fucking pubic hairs and taint-punch them. (Jeez Johnny, Run on sentence much???) Don't stop me, I'm on a roll here. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor???

By the way. Who is this asshole? An Owl? Who? I hope you get eaten by some animal that is higher than you on the food chain, who's name at this current time seems to escape me, Mr. Stupid Owl.

Or this stupid upside down bird that is made of suck? "Something went wrong?" No shit? The birds upside down with those stupid dead-eye "X's" that I used to see when someone died on the Tom and Jerry cartoons was my first clue.

I mean, I could do this all day. Here's the stinking bird on a branch. I'd like to snap the branch and beat him with it.

How many different pictures do they need to tell us their site is broken????

Twitter is important, dammit. And I'm an addict. Why does it have to go down ALL THE TIME?!?!?!?! If Twitter is going to be the important medium that me and millions of other fans want it to be, they have to get this crap fixed. PLEASE!!!!

I'm inspired by A Damned Yak

Yesterday, on blog extraordinaire, That Blue Yak, Author Dr. Zibbs asked some very important and hard-biting questions of the musical genius that is the Marshall Tucker Band. It moved me. Moved me, and then I got a tweet this morning that said get off your fat ass and write another blog post. (thanks Zibbs) So I'm going to piggy back on the Yak, and ask what I feel is a very important question.

Which brings me to the other day. I'm watching the movie "Up in the Air" starring George Clooney. (Not bad. Some funny parts.) In the movie, there is a performance by Rap Artist "Young MC" who sang bust a move back in the day. Trust me, he should be called Geriatric MC, or MC artificial hip at this point, but I digress. I started to think about other rap stars. Who's alive, and what sort of shape are they in? Biz Markie was no picnic in the day. No chance he's around. And my wife and I ran into MC Hammer in the Elevator of the Mandalay Bay a few years ago, so I know he's still around.

But then it struck me: What about Heavy D and the Boys? I mean, dude was heavy 20 years ago. I can't imagine what he weighs now. So I checked out the original videos for both Young and Heavy. And the clothing is awesomely bad.

What's worse? The dancing yellow raincoats and alleyway dice game in "Now that we found love?"

Or the spandex that say "Boy" and the GIGANTIC yellow bow in the hair of the slut in the movie theater of Young MC's "Bust a move?"



What do you think? And what's with the chef's hat that Heavy D was wearing?

And, is that sort of a black guy mullet at the end of the Young MC video?

Move it, boy!

Best nintendo game ever? Or How I learned to stop worrying and love the game...

The original NES (That's Nintendo Entertainment System, for you Newbs) was the platform. JMU was the college. Milwaukee's Best Light was the fuel.

So here is the equation:

Plus

Plus This

Equals This:

Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball. You can read about it here:

But because you obviously have class and talent, and you read a blog as amazing as this one, I'm gonna let you play it. Click here, to access my personal NES system, currently online for probably something like 20 years, which allows me to play the game from my iPhone, bat phone, payphone, and your mom's house.

It's pretty much the most awesome game ever. And maybe one of the reasons why I had to take a semester off of college to get my life back in order. (nowadays known as "rehab.") You're welcome, Internet.

Just be sure not to let this game occupy your life.