Talent and Vince Vaughn

I wish I had any talent at all at anything other than being loud in bars and doing bad Vince Vaughn impressions. (BTW, greatest comedic actor ever. Not open to discussion.)

I wish I could play the guitar. I wish I wrote this song. I wish I sang like Eddie Vedder any place other than my own shower. When nobody is around.

Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you the greatest song ever. Pearl Jam's "Black". Unplugged.

A rant. Come on, I'm allowed one a month, right?

So, I don't like to admit this publicly. But I'm pretty much addicted to Twitter. I love it. I love the connections. The new friendships. The instantaneous way that we as an Internet community exchange important messages. We have absolutely created a paradigm shift with regards to new delivery of information. Most recently, the Haitian Earthquake has proven to be such an event. I'm now following several people who were in Haiti for various reasons (prior to the quake) and reading their tweets nightly to see what sort of progress or stories of hope they bring back with them. This medium of Twitter is important in so many ways, and I believe that we've only scratched the surface with it.

Now here's my rant. Twitter is broken constantly. It's always down. It never works. "Bad Gateway." "Twitter is over capacity." "Twitter can't handle all your awesome today, Mr. @JMUmonty." Then it happens. I see the dreaded, damned, cursed picture.

I hate this guy...

This rotten, no good, fat, lazy slob, son of a bitch, freeloading ass clown that is the smug little Fucking Fail Whale makes me want to reach through my screen and grab @Ev and @Jack by their tiny little short and curly fucking pubic hairs and taint-punch them. (Jeez Johnny, Run on sentence much???) Don't stop me, I'm on a roll here. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor???

By the way. Who is this asshole? An Owl? Who? I hope you get eaten by some animal that is higher than you on the food chain, who's name at this current time seems to escape me, Mr. Stupid Owl.

Or this stupid upside down bird that is made of suck? "Something went wrong?" No shit? The birds upside down with those stupid dead-eye "X's" that I used to see when someone died on the Tom and Jerry cartoons was my first clue.

I mean, I could do this all day. Here's the stinking bird on a branch. I'd like to snap the branch and beat him with it.

How many different pictures do they need to tell us their site is broken????

Twitter is important, dammit. And I'm an addict. Why does it have to go down ALL THE TIME?!?!?!?! If Twitter is going to be the important medium that me and millions of other fans want it to be, they have to get this crap fixed. PLEASE!!!!

I'm inspired by A Damned Yak

Yesterday, on blog extraordinaire, That Blue Yak, Author Dr. Zibbs asked some very important and hard-biting questions of the musical genius that is the Marshall Tucker Band. It moved me. Moved me, and then I got a tweet this morning that said get off your fat ass and write another blog post. (thanks Zibbs) So I'm going to piggy back on the Yak, and ask what I feel is a very important question.

Which brings me to the other day. I'm watching the movie "Up in the Air" starring George Clooney. (Not bad. Some funny parts.) In the movie, there is a performance by Rap Artist "Young MC" who sang bust a move back in the day. Trust me, he should be called Geriatric MC, or MC artificial hip at this point, but I digress. I started to think about other rap stars. Who's alive, and what sort of shape are they in? Biz Markie was no picnic in the day. No chance he's around. And my wife and I ran into MC Hammer in the Elevator of the Mandalay Bay a few years ago, so I know he's still around.

But then it struck me: What about Heavy D and the Boys? I mean, dude was heavy 20 years ago. I can't imagine what he weighs now. So I checked out the original videos for both Young and Heavy. And the clothing is awesomely bad.

What's worse? The dancing yellow raincoats and alleyway dice game in "Now that we found love?"

Or the spandex that say "Boy" and the GIGANTIC yellow bow in the hair of the slut in the movie theater of Young MC's "Bust a move?"



What do you think? And what's with the chef's hat that Heavy D was wearing?

And, is that sort of a black guy mullet at the end of the Young MC video?

Move it, boy!

Best nintendo game ever? Or How I learned to stop worrying and love the game...

The original NES (That's Nintendo Entertainment System, for you Newbs) was the platform. JMU was the college. Milwaukee's Best Light was the fuel.

So here is the equation:

Plus

Plus This

Equals This:

Dusty Diamond's All-Star Softball. You can read about it here:

But because you obviously have class and talent, and you read a blog as amazing as this one, I'm gonna let you play it. Click here, to access my personal NES system, currently online for probably something like 20 years, which allows me to play the game from my iPhone, bat phone, payphone, and your mom's house.

It's pretty much the most awesome game ever. And maybe one of the reasons why I had to take a semester off of college to get my life back in order. (nowadays known as "rehab.") You're welcome, Internet.

Just be sure not to let this game occupy your life.

2 Funniest YouTube videos ever? Silly Reporters...

Atlanta Grape Stomp Reporter:

And the Reporter who goes from Zero to Ghetto in less than a second:

What do you think? Comments? See anything funnier than these?

I'm getting too old for this shit...

OK. So here it is. The list you've all been waiting for. My top ten action movies of all time. Guy type movies. And pretty much the only prerequisite is that someone die. A glorious, well deserved death. Please comment freely below!!!!

1. Diehard: Bruce Willis as John McClane is a total bad ass. He kills anyone and everyone. And what about what's his name, that plays Hans Gruber....GREAT VILLAIN. The role I wish I'd gotten to play in this movie: Argyle, the limo driver.

2. Lethal Weapon: The movie that defines the whole buddy cop genre. This movie starts off great and keeps going. Gary Busey, before his accident, in his pre-mental problem glory. I love this movie.

3. Tombstone: This movie is superb. Kurt Russel plays a good tough guy Wyatt Earp. But Val Kilmer steals the movie with his performance of Doc Holliday. "I'm you're huckleberry." This movie has more bad ass quotes in it than I know what to do with. Great action, great vengeance by Wyatt Earp. And don't forget Sam Elliot. He's always a bad ass.

4. Empire Strikes Back: It's the best of the 6 because the bad guys win. Big time. "Luke, I am your father." Enough said. Don't forget about the ice planet Hoth. And Cloud City. Cool.

5. Raiders of the Lost Ark: Is there anyone who saw this as a kid that didn't want to grow up to be Indiana Jones? Seriously? To this day, I'd quit my job and leave my family for 6 months to go chasing treasures in the desert. And killing Nazi's.

6. First Blood: The first of the Rambo installment, and the only one that actually had a story line. Brian Dennehy is a perfect asshole cop/sheriff. I mean, Rambo is now an American institution, right? How can this not be on there?

7. Star Wars: A new hope (The Original) Set the tone for the next 40 years of civilization. Space travel, computers, holograms, laser beams, Cantina's, Desert Planets, Land speeders, and Sand People. Sounds like the Reagan administration.

8. The Bourne Identity: I quote Seth Rogen from the 40 year old virgin. "Man, I used to think Matt Damon was a real Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this movie." Total Bad ass, great fighting, classic Ludlum Story. Best part, the sequels don't embarrass the franchise.

9. Braveheart: When they kill his wife, you want him to go bananas. And he does. And he does. And he does. And then he does some more. Really this is just a bad ass guy's type movie that you can watch over and over again. Mel as William Wallace seemed believable. And Gibson directed the movie. Kudos.

10. Gladiator: Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix. The way they bring the Roman Colosseum to life is amazing. Don't forget about Djimon Hounsou (who was amazing in Blood Diamond with Leonardo DiCaprio) as one of the slaves with Russell Crowe. Or should I say "Maximus?"

So on to the Honorable and over rated.

Honorable mention, in no particular order:

The Boondock Saints

Saving Private Ryan

Terminator

Terminator 2

The Road Warrior

Desperado

The Transporter

Over Rated:

The Matrix is good. Not great. The sequels bring the whole thing down for me.

Every Die Hard sequel was a train wreck

Under Siege. Who the hell ever thought that Seagal was a bad ass?

Alien

Aliens Sigourney Weaver does not equal bad ass.... She equals BAD-ASS. Does she like women?

I'll have the Balsamic Vinagrette, but on the Side...

So, recently on Twitter, we were discussing some movies that people hadn't seen which are classics. Then, over beers, some friends and I had the conversation that we all have at some point. "What are your top ten comedies of all time???" So I'm gonna give them to you.

Now: I understand you may disagree. If you do, please leave a comment. But understand this is my list, my interpretation. And really, the movie that is at ten could easily be #1. All of these are great, great movies.

JMUmonty's Top Ten Comedies of All time:

1. When Harry Met Sally: Point blank, my favorite movie of all time. Funny, Meg Ryan is hot. Intelligent humor. The best thing for me is that a woman watches the movie, and TOTALLY sides with Sally the whole time. Guy watches right next to her, he agrees with Harry the whole time. It's perfectly written. Beautifully filmed. Funny as shit. Great movie.

2. Caddyshack: Star studded, and these guys are in their prime. Dangerfield is hysterical. Chevy Chase is amazing. Ted Knight....Oh My God. Truly a classic. What more can I say.

3. Fletch: Again, with the Chevy Chase? You betcha. The ultimate smart-ass movie. Tim Mattheson is a great bad guy. And a movie with lines like "Can I borrow your towel, I think my car just hit a water buffalo?" cannot be left off this list. In college we lived on this movie, and guys my age quote this thing 25 year later on a DAILY basis.

4. Anchorman: There are more quotable lines in this movie than any movie the past 25 years. Will Ferrell at his awkward best. Steve Carrell, Paul Ruud, and even Vince Vaughn show up to make this easily the best Frat Pack film to date.

5. Austin Powers, International man of mystery: (One and Two are interchangeable in this position) This movie changed my life, and almost ended it. When I saw the scene with Tom Arnold in the bathroom stall, and Austin yelling "Who does # 2 work for?" I literally almost laughed myself into a coronary. My wife and I still laugh at how hard I was laughing. If you haven't seen this movie tell a friend, leave a note for the ambulance crew, and have 911 punched in already on your cell phone. You may not have any breath left to call them. Hit the button, and they'll hear you writhing with laughter in the background...

6. Animal House. "Mr. Blu-Mr. Blutarsky. Zero. Point. Zero." Belushi. A Legend. At his best.

7. History of the World, Part One. Mel Brooks must have at least one film in a top ten list like this. This is my preference, although I struggled between this, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. (Frahn-ken-STEEN!!!)

8. Wedding Crashers: It's new, but it is funny. I learned how to make balloon animals because of this movie. Motor boating is now a mainstream word. And you have the greatest monologue in comedy film history.

Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I

talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of

the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you

do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying

not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are

we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.

9. Midnight Run: Robert Deniro in a comedy role. Charles Grodin. Mob accountant. HYSTERICAL. I've got two words for you. "Shut the fuck up." If you haven't seen this, I implore you to add it to your netflix cue...

10. Swingers. This movie is so money, and it doesn't even know it. Launched 2 great careers in Favreau and Vaughn. And best of all, they tout the greatness of video games NHLPA 93 and NHL Hockey 94. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super-fan #99 over here."

Honorable mentions:

Princess Bride

Napoleon Dynamite

Old School

The Hangover (this one needs to age a bit, but I loved it.)

Monty Python's The Holy Grail

Harold and Kumar....I especially liked escape from Guantanamo Bay, but they're both good. NPH steals the show. But it needs to stand the test of time a bit.

Most over-rated comedies. Not that I don't like them, but many people think these are the funniest things going, and I'm not in that boat.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

The Big Lebowski

There's something about Mary (Although this had some great lines, it's not a great movie)

That's it. My next list. Top 10 Action movies of all time. I'll have it posted soon.