The morning after snow and the 5th of July

2 years ago, I on the 3rd of July, I drove to Maryland with my kids and spent $400 buying fireworks that were illegal in the state of PA. On the 4Th of July, it rained. I couldn't use them. So, at nightfall, around 9pm on the 5Th of July, my wife, little guys (at the time 7 and 8), my teenagers, a few neighborhood kids and some younger nephews all gathered in the front yard to watch the "show." We blew off 2 mortars, and out comes my asshole neighbor (that's literally what we all call him now) from his house like a maniac. (he had just moved in, I'd literally never met him.) He screams "What the fuck, you gonna set off fucking fireworks on the 5Th of July? Fucking stop! I've got a wife and kids trying to sleep"

My wife was mad, but I was calm, and I said "First of all, it's nice to meet you. Second, it's 9pm. Third, dude, it rained all night last night, everyone is lighting fireworks off tonight." To which he turns and yells towards his wife "call the cops."

2 points to note here:

1. You are a mother humping douche bag if you are the type of person who calls the cops for neighbors lighting fireworks, unless one of those fireworks has started a fire on your roof or struck a family member.
2. Your fireworks lighting neighbor who also happens to own a SNOW BLOWER will absolutely enjoy every moment of watching you and your ugly fucking wife shovel 40+ inches of snow over the course of 5 days without every THINKING of pushing said blower across the street and being "neighborly." You asshole. How's your back feel? Douche.

Anyway, here is video of my driveway, nice and clear after 20 minutes with the snow blower this morning. This was filmed with my little RCA flip style Internet camcorder. I'll also post a comparative video filmed with my new iPhone app, Qik. It's a free app that allows the first gen and the first 3G to film video.

For those of you not in the Snowstorm

and you want to see what's up, here is video of @maelysa (my wife, Maria) smoking, and a shitload of snow.

Snowmaggedon and it's little brother

So, this past Friday and Saturday we had Snowmaggedon. The worst snowstorm in God-knows-how-many years. The second worst on record here in this area. I'm sure you've all read about it. Hell, even President Obama talked about this storm. Snowpocalypse. KaiserSnowze. Snowmaggedon. The Blizzard of 2010. The storm that caved in JMUmonty's fucking gazebo. Call it what you will.

Tonight, his not-so-little brother (or sister, I haven't checked to see if it has a thingy yet) is coming.

And like any good sequel, I have to give this storm a good sequel title. So here are my nominees. Feel free to chime in at the comment section:

Snowmaggedon 2

Snowmaggedon 2: The Temple of Doom

Snowmaggedon and the Chamber of Secrets

Snowmaggedon: The Plow Driver Strikes Back ( I like that one, because it can also be used as the sequel title for an Amish horror movie)

Snowmaggedon 2: The Spawning

Snomag-gaiden (look it up if you don't understand)

Snowmaggedon: Liberty City Stories

Dawn of the Snowmaggedon

Snowmaggedon II: The Adventure of Link

Son of Snowmaggedon

The Return of Snowmaggedon

Snowmaggedon Returns

Snowmaggedon, Too

The Chronicles of Snowmaggedon: Pitch White

Thirty Days of White

Snowmaggedon 2: Judgement Day

Snowmaggedon: The snowstorm who shagged me

Snowmaggedon: Escape from Guantanamo Bay

The Snowmaggedon Supremacy

Next Snowmaggedon

Meet the Snowmaggedon's

A Fistful of Snow

Snowmaggedon 2: The Meltdown

Snowmaggedon: Evolution

Snowmaggedon: Revenge of the fallen snow

Snowmaggedon 2: The Golden Army

Snowmaggedon Reloaded

Beyond Snowmaggedon

Please cast your vote or suggest others in the comment section below.

A Very Brady Nightmare

I woke up in a cold sweat this morning at 4:40 am. No, not my prostate again, this time it was a NIGHTMARE! Holy Mackerel! I was in a full blown panic. For some reason, I woke up really concerned about a mystery that has existed in the back of my brain for some 30 years. And don't ask me why it struck me tonight. I have no idea.

Remember when the Brady's took that trip to the grand canyon? And remember when Bobby and Cindy got lost, and met that young Indian boy, Jimmy Pakaya? Remember they snuck him beans in an empty flashlight? Whatever happened to that kid? He ran away from his Indian home. I hope he's OK.

These questions have haunted me. Why is Florence Henderson wearing a polyester pantsuit at the bottom of the sweltering Grand Canyon? And when did Greg Brady pick up those sweet ranger-like tracking skills? I'm beginning to get the idea that this didn't really happen.

Here's a link to the clip for those who don't know what I'm talking about. Damned copyright laws won't allow me to post it here.

Jimmy, if you are out there, just let me know that you're OK! I hope you achieved your dream of becoming an astronaut.

Talent and Vince Vaughn

I wish I had any talent at all at anything other than being loud in bars and doing bad Vince Vaughn impressions. (BTW, greatest comedic actor ever. Not open to discussion.)

I wish I could play the guitar. I wish I wrote this song. I wish I sang like Eddie Vedder any place other than my own shower. When nobody is around.

Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you the greatest song ever. Pearl Jam's "Black". Unplugged.

A rant. Come on, I'm allowed one a month, right?

So, I don't like to admit this publicly. But I'm pretty much addicted to Twitter. I love it. I love the connections. The new friendships. The instantaneous way that we as an Internet community exchange important messages. We have absolutely created a paradigm shift with regards to new delivery of information. Most recently, the Haitian Earthquake has proven to be such an event. I'm now following several people who were in Haiti for various reasons (prior to the quake) and reading their tweets nightly to see what sort of progress or stories of hope they bring back with them. This medium of Twitter is important in so many ways, and I believe that we've only scratched the surface with it.

Now here's my rant. Twitter is broken constantly. It's always down. It never works. "Bad Gateway." "Twitter is over capacity." "Twitter can't handle all your awesome today, Mr. @JMUmonty." Then it happens. I see the dreaded, damned, cursed picture.

I hate this guy...

This rotten, no good, fat, lazy slob, son of a bitch, freeloading ass clown that is the smug little Fucking Fail Whale makes me want to reach through my screen and grab @Ev and @Jack by their tiny little short and curly fucking pubic hairs and taint-punch them. (Jeez Johnny, Run on sentence much???) Don't stop me, I'm on a roll here. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor???

By the way. Who is this asshole? An Owl? Who? I hope you get eaten by some animal that is higher than you on the food chain, who's name at this current time seems to escape me, Mr. Stupid Owl.

Or this stupid upside down bird that is made of suck? "Something went wrong?" No shit? The birds upside down with those stupid dead-eye "X's" that I used to see when someone died on the Tom and Jerry cartoons was my first clue.

I mean, I could do this all day. Here's the stinking bird on a branch. I'd like to snap the branch and beat him with it.

How many different pictures do they need to tell us their site is broken????

Twitter is important, dammit. And I'm an addict. Why does it have to go down ALL THE TIME?!?!?!?! If Twitter is going to be the important medium that me and millions of other fans want it to be, they have to get this crap fixed. PLEASE!!!!

I'm inspired by A Damned Yak

Yesterday, on blog extraordinaire, That Blue Yak, Author Dr. Zibbs asked some very important and hard-biting questions of the musical genius that is the Marshall Tucker Band. It moved me. Moved me, and then I got a tweet this morning that said get off your fat ass and write another blog post. (thanks Zibbs) So I'm going to piggy back on the Yak, and ask what I feel is a very important question.

Which brings me to the other day. I'm watching the movie "Up in the Air" starring George Clooney. (Not bad. Some funny parts.) In the movie, there is a performance by Rap Artist "Young MC" who sang bust a move back in the day. Trust me, he should be called Geriatric MC, or MC artificial hip at this point, but I digress. I started to think about other rap stars. Who's alive, and what sort of shape are they in? Biz Markie was no picnic in the day. No chance he's around. And my wife and I ran into MC Hammer in the Elevator of the Mandalay Bay a few years ago, so I know he's still around.

But then it struck me: What about Heavy D and the Boys? I mean, dude was heavy 20 years ago. I can't imagine what he weighs now. So I checked out the original videos for both Young and Heavy. And the clothing is awesomely bad.

What's worse? The dancing yellow raincoats and alleyway dice game in "Now that we found love?"

Or the spandex that say "Boy" and the GIGANTIC yellow bow in the hair of the slut in the movie theater of Young MC's "Bust a move?"



What do you think? And what's with the chef's hat that Heavy D was wearing?

And, is that sort of a black guy mullet at the end of the Young MC video?

Move it, boy!