Thursday, April 1, 2010

Political Correctness and Japanese People

A month or so ago, just after the Olympics, I was having a few beers with my brother and some friends at a local watering hole. (OK, OK, I admit, I was shitfaced at Victory Brewing Company. You're so fucking smart...) The conversations turned to political correctness, and how people that aren't white just look funny.

Our era of Political Correctness sickens me. People are just appalled when you make a joke based on ethnicity. But that shit is funny. And on top of that, I think this era of political correctness diminishes and downplays real-world political situations that are dangerous and worthy of at least some measured form of "keeping one's guard up."

I'm forty years old. I grew up in the 70's. It seemed like ancient history at the time to me, but World War 2 was only 25 years in the rear view mirror at that point. Like, that's how long ago I graduated high school. (Actually, 1987, but close enough for my purposes here.) It's not THAT far back. Like 1985, the MOVE bombing in Philadelphia occurred. Reagan took his second oath of office. "Careless Whisper" by WHAM! was the number one song. Foreigner wanted to know what love was in 1985. Eddie Murphy's girl wanted to Party all the Time in 1985.

That's pretty recent, right?

So with that in mind, I can remember plenty of political IN-correctness from my youth. But looking back, I think it was justified. Remember when a friend snuck up on you, we used to call that "japping" someone. Rightfully so. Those motherfuckers pulled off the ultimate sneak attack of all time. (Which, by the way, led to a pretty fucking disappointing Jerry Bruckheimer movie 60 years later that I still resent the short black haired slanty eyed people for....)

I actually said that I was going to "Jap" a waitress or waiter at Victory that night if they didn't bring me my beer quickly. The table was appalled. For about 3 seconds. Then everyone burst into laughter. It's no big whoop to use a term like that.

"Listen. Bring me my beer, quickly. I asked 10 minutes ago, and I'm thirsty. If you don't bring me my beer, I'm gonna hide at the end of the bar, and Jap you. You got me? Understand? I'm gonna paint the fence, wax-on wax-off, Do the Crane on your face, Thank you for playing Mr. Miyagi, now go fuck yourself and get me beer. Or I'm going to go all Nagasaki on you're ass."

I miss those days. It's good fun to joke. And by the way, in my opinion, that event is something that should never EVER be forgotten. And it is part of the history of the people whose country perpetrated the crimes....

I defy you. Do an impression of a German person. You're not going to sound like Dieter from "Sprockets."

(BTW....Mike Myers, more genius....funniest line ever on SNL???? "I am so full of anticipation that my genitals have sucked up into my body cavity. Before we begin… before we begin, would you like to touch my Monkey? ") You are going to outstretch your hand in a Nazi Salute and say "Heil Hitler." Go ahead...try it.

It sickens me when I hear people in an airport complaining about the security wait times. Get there early you jerk. People who look a lot like every Arab I've ever seen on 24 stole a bunch of planes and flew them willy nilly into a couple of fucking buildings a few years ago. At the time,I didn't live that far outside of New York City. My children went to elementary school with 2 kids who lost parents in the WTC bombing. That was not even 9 years ago, yet we forget so quickly. We worry about offending people who can't plan their trip to the airport properly??? Who is still worrying about those kids with 2 dead fathers? Who's helping to raise them?

Listen. This is simple. Puerto Rican's like to wear big earrings and their parents move in with you after your marry one of their women. Japanese people sneak attack. And they have funny eyes and are short with straight black hair. Chinese people, everything in the world takes "ten minuh..." Irish guys have small dicks. (I swear man, that's not true....I don't even know why I mentioned it.) I meant to say that Irish guys drink a lot. That's true. Black guys are better at basketball than I am. Black chicks wear hair extensions that fall out all over the streets of Philadelphia, and they all have tattoo's of someone from their neighborhood who's been shot. Guys with big noses usually have big hoses. Am I right? Russian's all like Vodka, the French will lay down for anyone, and the English all have bad teeth. It's ok. We still can like those people...

Don't hate it. Embrace it. It's not racist. It's insensitive. But insensitive can by hysterical. I love that little Asian speed skater, Apolo Anton Ohno. That son of a bitch makes me proud to be an American.

By the way. If you have not seen Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, it is the single most politically incorrect movie in history. AND IT'S HILARIOUS!!!!! Check out this scene about Asian people and their eyes.