Sunday, December 20, 2009

2 Funniest YouTube videos ever? Silly Reporters...

Atlanta Grape Stomp Reporter:





And the Reporter who goes from Zero to Ghetto in less than a second:




What do you think? Comments? See anything funnier than these?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I'm getting too old for this shit...


OK. So here it is. The list you've all been waiting for. My top ten action movies of all time. Guy type movies. And pretty much the only prerequisite is that someone die. A glorious, well deserved death. Please comment freely below!!!!


1. Diehard: Bruce Willis as John McClane is a total bad ass. He kills anyone and everyone. And what about what's his name, that plays Hans Gruber....GREAT VILLAIN. The role I wish I'd gotten to play in this movie: Argyle, the limo driver.

2. Lethal Weapon: The movie that defines the whole buddy cop genre. This movie starts off great and keeps going. Gary Busey, before his accident, in his pre-mental problem glory. I love this movie.

3. Tombstone: This movie is superb. Kurt Russel plays a good tough guy Wyatt Earp. But Val Kilmer steals the movie with his performance of Doc Holliday. "I'm you're huckleberry." This movie has more bad ass quotes in it than I know what to do with. Great action, great vengeance by Wyatt Earp. And don't forget Sam Elliot. He's always a bad ass.

4. Empire Strikes Back: It's the best of the 6 because the bad guys win. Big time. "Luke, I am your father." Enough said. Don't forget about the ice planet Hoth. And Cloud City. Cool.

5. Raiders of the Lost Ark: Is there anyone who saw this as a kid that didn't want to grow up to be Indiana Jones? Seriously? To this day, I'd quit my job and leave my family for 6 months to go chasing treasures in the desert. And killing Nazi's.

6. First Blood: The first of the Rambo installment, and the only one that actually had a story line. Brian Dennehy is a perfect asshole cop/sheriff. I mean, Rambo is now an American institution, right? How can this not be on there?

7. Star Wars: A new hope (The Original) Set the tone for the next 40 years of civilization. Space travel, computers, holograms, laser beams, Cantina's, Desert Planets, Land speeders, and Sand People. Sounds like the Reagan administration.

8. The Bourne Identity: I quote Seth Rogen from the 40 year old virgin. "Man, I used to think Matt Damon was a real Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this movie." Total Bad ass, great fighting, classic Ludlum Story. Best part, the sequels don't embarrass the franchise.

9. Braveheart: When they kill his wife, you want him to go bananas. And he does. And he does. And he does. And then he does some more. Really this is just a bad ass guy's type movie that you can watch over and over again. Mel as William Wallace seemed believable. And Gibson directed the movie. Kudos.

10. Gladiator: Russell Crowe and Joaquin Phoenix. The way they bring the Roman Colosseum to life is amazing. Don't forget about Djimon Hounsou (who was amazing in Blood Diamond with Leonardo DiCaprio) as one of the slaves with Russell Crowe. Or should I say "Maximus?"

So on to the Honorable and over rated.

Honorable mention, in no particular order:

The Boondock Saints
Saving Private Ryan
Terminator
Terminator 2
The Road Warrior
Desperado
The Transporter

Over Rated:

The Matrix is good. Not great. The sequels bring the whole thing down for me.
Every Die Hard sequel was a train wreck
Under Siege. Who the hell ever thought that Seagal was a bad ass?
Alien
Aliens Sigourney Weaver does not equal bad ass.... She equals BAD-ASS. Does she like women?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I'll have the Balsamic Vinagrette, but on the Side...



So, recently on Twitter, we were discussing some movies that people hadn't seen which are classics. Then, over beers, some friends and I had the conversation that we all have at some point. "What are your top ten comedies of all time???" So I'm gonna give them to you.
Now: I understand you may disagree. If you do, please leave a comment. But understand this is my list, my interpretation. And really, the movie that is at ten could easily be #1. All of these are great, great movies.

JMUmonty's Top Ten Comedies of All time:

1. When Harry Met Sally: Point blank, my favorite movie of all time. Funny, Meg Ryan is hot. Intelligent humor. The best thing for me is that a woman watches the movie, and TOTALLY sides with Sally the whole time. Guy watches right next to her, he agrees with Harry the whole time. It's perfectly written. Beautifully filmed. Funny as shit. Great movie.

2. Caddyshack: Star studded, and these guys are in their prime. Dangerfield is hysterical. Chevy Chase is amazing. Ted Knight....Oh My God. Truly a classic. What more can I say.

3. Fletch: Again, with the Chevy Chase? You betcha. The ultimate smart-ass movie. Tim Mattheson is a great bad guy. And a movie with lines like "Can I borrow your towel, I think my car just hit a water buffalo?" cannot be left off this list. In college we lived on this movie, and guys my age quote this thing 25 year later on a DAILY basis.

4. Anchorman: There are more quotable lines in this movie than any movie the past 25 years. Will Ferrell at his awkward best. Steve Carrell, Paul Ruud, and even Vince Vaughn show up to make this easily the best Frat Pack film to date.

5. Austin Powers, International man of mystery: (One and Two are interchangeable in this position) This movie changed my life, and almost ended it. When I saw the scene with Tom Arnold in the bathroom stall, and Austin yelling "Who does # 2 work for?" I literally almost laughed myself into a coronary. My wife and I still laugh at how hard I was laughing. If you haven't seen this movie tell a friend, leave a note for the ambulance crew, and have 911 punched in already on your cell phone. You may not have any breath left to call them. Hit the button, and they'll hear you writhing with laughter in the background...

6. Animal House. "Mr. Blu-Mr. Blutarsky. Zero. Point. Zero." Belushi. A Legend. At his best.

7. History of the World, Part One. Mel Brooks must have at least one film in a top ten list like this. This is my preference, although I struggled between this, Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein. (Frahn-ken-STEEN!!!)

8. Wedding Crashers: It's new, but it is funny. I learned how to make balloon animals because of this movie. Motor boating is now a mainstream word. And you have the greatest monologue in comedy film history.

Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I
talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of
the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you
do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying
not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are
we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.


9. Midnight Run: Robert Deniro in a comedy role. Charles Grodin. Mob accountant. HYSTERICAL. I've got two words for you. "Shut the fuck up." If you haven't seen this, I implore you to add it to your netflix cue...
10. Swingers. This movie is so money, and it doesn't even know it. Launched 2 great careers in Favreau and Vaughn. And best of all, they tout the greatness of video games NHLPA 93 and NHL Hockey 94. "I'm gonna make Gretzky's head bleed for super-fan #99 over here."

Honorable mentions:

Princess Bride
Napoleon Dynamite
Old School
The Hangover (this one needs to age a bit, but I loved it.)
Monty Python's The Holy Grail
Harold and Kumar....I especially liked escape from Guantanamo Bay, but they're both good. NPH steals the show. But it needs to stand the test of time a bit.

Most over-rated comedies. Not that I don't like them, but many people think these are the funniest things going, and I'm not in that boat.

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles
The Big Lebowski
There's something about Mary (Although this had some great lines, it's not a great movie)

That's it. My next list. Top 10 Action movies of all time. I'll have it posted soon.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Does anyone really LOL?

LOL. The most overused abbreviation on the web. Does anyone LOL?

Really?

You are laughing out loud? People in the next room can hear you laughing? I doubt it.

How about LMAO?

Honestly? You? Laughing your "ass" off. Cuz I'm funny. And you're probably 10 -15 pounds overweight. So you should be in better shape, as funny as I am...

I'm making some new, more practical abbreviations. You are welcome to use these from now on. I'll add more if you suggest them. And I deem them worthy.

LOTI: Laughing on the inside. This is a real compliment.

LJAL: Laughing just a little. Probably more realistic.

C: Chuckle. Barely audible. But I can hear myself. People in the other room may sleep or play Modern Warfare 2 without my uproarious laughter disturbing them.

PMPJAB: Peed my pants just a bit. Self explanatory.

SSOMS: Spit shit on my screen. Very practical. Let's face it. Most of you reading these hysterical Facebook comments and tweets are probably drunk, sitting at home alone on a Friday night, instead of out picking up women. You probably have some sort of alcoholic beverage, or god forbid some cannabis burning on a dented coke can with holes poked in it. Those of you drinking may find some of these comments amusing, causing you to spit said beverage of choice on your computer screen. Then, like my 17 year old, when you computer doesn't work, you turn to your significant other (or parent in my son's case) and have the following conversation:

"Hey, my computer isn't working anymore. "
"What did you do to it?" significant other/parent would respond.

"Nothing."

"OK, I'll take it to the geek squad, pay them $75, and see what they can do with it."

Geek Squad: "sir, there is some sort of sticky stuff, like soda, all inside the keyboard and on the screen of your laptop. You'll need a new motherboard. It'll be $500 to fix."

"No thanks, my kid doesn't have a job, but now he'll just have to actually LOL. Not SSOMS. Keep the damned laptop."

(actual true story.) This situation can be summed up with the proverbial FML.

Addendum: If you are partaking of the cannabis using the coke can, you probably spit Doritos on the screen. No big whoop. It's all the same.

RNFAA: Really not funny at all. Probably should be used at a 10:1 ratio to the current LOL usage.

IWTGIYPSIPTLOL: I want to get in your pants, so I pretend to laugh out loud. Ha, ha, ha....You are so funny. Just do me already if you're gonna do me. I'm easy.

YLLASAIHYHDI: You look like a slut and I hope you have daddy issues. This one, I hear, works like a charm.

First addendum for my friend Pedro:
IWTBMPS: I would tweet but my phone sucks.

This is really a list that could grow forever. Most likely it will be my second book, Internet abbreviations for dummies.

Have fun kids, leave a comment, and I'll see about adding more in the future FTW!


Suggested by Stephane in the comments:
IDRHATS: i dont really have anything to say. This one mainly works with text messages replacing the lone LOL.



Holiday Chorus concert, 5th grade style

This time the 5th grade song.


video

Feliz Navidad!!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Boys Winter Concert Chorus from School




First up is the 4th grade.


video

"The Holiday Spirit" Mr. Guy is the teacher.