Monday, February 22, 2010

Mr. Tarkanian, the boss from hell

If you haven't seen this clip from Will Ferrell, go and put on your depends undergarments right now. Fact: You will wet your pants. And maybe crap yourself from laughing so hard. I'm serious. Go put your depends on, then click here. 5 minutes of pure comedy.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

I busted out the "zip it" routine from Austin Powers on my kids today. They think I'm the funniest man alive. Damned copyright laws won't let me post the video, so here is the link.

The bit where he talks like a Japanese guy, then does "Subtitles.......Zip it" kills me every time.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Remember this?

Does Noxzema remind you of the past? What was up with that stuff? Did everyone's mom used to make them use Noxzema? What was in that blue jar anyway? And why did it smell the way it did? Every time I smell that stuff it reminds me of being at some Polish Bakery in Queens hanging with my Grandmother eating Kruschiki's.

Or better yet, what's with the giddy up these ladies have on in this video? And why do they seem to be so cheerful about rubbing the salve of death on their faces?

I personally don't remember the pump, I remember my Noxzema just like the one pictured above. Just a blue jar of face pain. My recollection of this product is simply lighting my face on fire for a good 20-30 minutes. It didn't do anything but scare away acne. So I guess it worked.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Qik - Mobile video by jmumonty

The morning after snow and the 5th of July

2 years ago, I on the 3rd of July, I drove to Maryland with my kids and spent $400 buying fireworks that were illegal in the state of PA. On the 4Th of July, it rained. I couldn't use them. So, at nightfall, around 9pm on the 5Th of July, my wife, little guys (at the time 7 and 8), my teenagers, a few neighborhood kids and some younger nephews all gathered in the front yard to watch the "show." We blew off 2 mortars, and out comes my asshole neighbor (that's literally what we all call him now) from his house like a maniac. (he had just moved in, I'd literally never met him.) He screams "What the fuck, you gonna set off fucking fireworks on the 5Th of July? Fucking stop! I've got a wife and kids trying to sleep"

My wife was mad, but I was calm, and I said "First of all, it's nice to meet you. Second, it's 9pm. Third, dude, it rained all night last night, everyone is lighting fireworks off tonight." To which he turns and yells towards his wife "call the cops."

2 points to note here:

1. You are a mother humping douche bag if you are the type of person who calls the cops for neighbors lighting fireworks, unless one of those fireworks has started a fire on your roof or struck a family member.
2. Your fireworks lighting neighbor who also happens to own a SNOW BLOWER will absolutely enjoy every moment of watching you and your ugly fucking wife shovel 40+ inches of snow over the course of 5 days without every THINKING of pushing said blower across the street and being "neighborly." You asshole. How's your back feel? Douche.

Anyway, here is video of my driveway, nice and clear after 20 minutes with the snow blower this morning. This was filmed with my little RCA flip style Internet camcorder. I'll also post a comparative video filmed with my new iPhone app, Qik. It's a free app that allows the first gen and the first 3G to film video.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

For those of you not in the Snowstorm

and you want to see what's up, here is video of @maelysa (my wife, Maria) smoking, and a shitload of snow.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Snowmaggedon and it's little brother

So, this past Friday and Saturday we had Snowmaggedon. The worst snowstorm in God-knows-how-many years. The second worst on record here in this area. I'm sure you've all read about it. Hell, even President Obama talked about this storm. Snowpocalypse. KaiserSnowze. Snowmaggedon. The Blizzard of 2010. The storm that caved in JMUmonty's fucking gazebo. Call it what you will.

Tonight, his not-so-little brother (or sister, I haven't checked to see if it has a thingy yet) is coming.

And like any good sequel, I have to give this storm a good sequel title. So here are my nominees. Feel free to chime in at the comment section:

Snowmaggedon 2
Snowmaggedon 2: The Temple of Doom
Snowmaggedon and the Chamber of Secrets
Snowmaggedon: The Plow Driver Strikes Back ( I like that one, because it can also be used as the sequel title for an Amish horror movie)
Snowmaggedon 2: The Spawning
Snomag-gaiden (look it up if you don't understand)
Snowmaggedon: Liberty City Stories
Dawn of the Snowmaggedon
Snowmaggedon II: The Adventure of Link
Son of Snowmaggedon
The Return of Snowmaggedon
Snowmaggedon Returns
Snowmaggedon, Too
The Chronicles of Snowmaggedon: Pitch White
Thirty Days of White
Snowmaggedon 2: Judgement Day
Snowmaggedon: The snowstorm who shagged me
Snowmaggedon: Escape from Guantanamo Bay
The Snowmaggedon Supremacy
Next Snowmaggedon
Meet the Snowmaggedon's
A Fistful of Snow
Snowmaggedon 2: The Meltdown
Snowmaggedon: Evolution
Snowmaggedon: Revenge of the fallen snow
Snowmaggedon 2: The Golden Army
Snowmaggedon Reloaded
Beyond Snowmaggedon

Please cast your vote or suggest others in the comment section below.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

A Very Brady Nightmare

I woke up in a cold sweat this morning at 4:40 am. No, not my prostate again, this time it was a NIGHTMARE! Holy Mackerel! I was in a full blown panic. For some reason, I woke up really concerned about a mystery that has existed in the back of my brain for some 30 years. And don't ask me why it struck me tonight. I have no idea.

Remember when the Brady's took that trip to the grand canyon? And remember when Bobby and Cindy got lost, and met that young Indian boy, Jimmy Pakaya? Remember they snuck him beans in an empty flashlight? Whatever happened to that kid? He ran away from his Indian home. I hope he's OK.

These questions have haunted me. Why is Florence Henderson wearing a polyester pantsuit at the bottom of the sweltering Grand Canyon? And when did Greg Brady pick up those sweet ranger-like tracking skills? I'm beginning to get the idea that this didn't really happen.

Here's a link to the clip for those who don't know what I'm talking about. Damned copyright laws won't allow me to post it here.

Jimmy, if you are out there, just let me know that you're OK! I hope you achieved your dream of becoming an astronaut.