Thursday, February 11, 2010

The morning after snow and the 5th of July

2 years ago, I on the 3rd of July, I drove to Maryland with my kids and spent $400 buying fireworks that were illegal in the state of PA. On the 4Th of July, it rained. I couldn't use them. So, at nightfall, around 9pm on the 5Th of July, my wife, little guys (at the time 7 and 8), my teenagers, a few neighborhood kids and some younger nephews all gathered in the front yard to watch the "show." We blew off 2 mortars, and out comes my asshole neighbor (that's literally what we all call him now) from his house like a maniac. (he had just moved in, I'd literally never met him.) He screams "What the fuck, you gonna set off fucking fireworks on the 5Th of July? Fucking stop! I've got a wife and kids trying to sleep"

My wife was mad, but I was calm, and I said "First of all, it's nice to meet you. Second, it's 9pm. Third, dude, it rained all night last night, everyone is lighting fireworks off tonight." To which he turns and yells towards his wife "call the cops."

2 points to note here:

1. You are a mother humping douche bag if you are the type of person who calls the cops for neighbors lighting fireworks, unless one of those fireworks has started a fire on your roof or struck a family member.
2. Your fireworks lighting neighbor who also happens to own a SNOW BLOWER will absolutely enjoy every moment of watching you and your ugly fucking wife shovel 40+ inches of snow over the course of 5 days without every THINKING of pushing said blower across the street and being "neighborly." You asshole. How's your back feel? Douche.

Anyway, here is video of my driveway, nice and clear after 20 minutes with the snow blower this morning. This was filmed with my little RCA flip style Internet camcorder. I'll also post a comparative video filmed with my new iPhone app, Qik. It's a free app that allows the first gen and the first 3G to film video.


  1. First of all - no shoes? Really? Nice knowing you since you truly might die of pneumonia.

    Secondly - I am the queen of asshole neighbors. You don't get to take that title away from me. I had the cops called on me more times than I can count, for such things as: doing housework in my home, taking my dogs out for a walk and (my personal favorite) my husband dribbling a basketball on our walkway at 4 in the afternoon.

    One of the biggest reasons we moved...

  2. Nope. I have 2 asshole neighbors. The first is fireworks asshole. (his house is caddycorner to the right across the street.) The second is the guy directly across street. THE DAY HE MOVED IN HE BACKED OUT AND SMASHED MY WIFE'S BESTIES CAR INTO OUR FRONT YARD. I had never met him, he knocks on the door and says "whoever parked their fucking car in the street needs to get out here now." He was all pissed off. He was yelling at this poor girl like a maniac. When we tried to speak to him calmly, and introduce ourselved, he was more of an asshole. I told the friend to have the police do a report, as it would be needed for insurance. The cops gave my neighbor a ticket. Served him right. Also, the neighbor on my left, I've never spoken a word to him, we've lived here 7 1/2 years. I do have a few good ones, but I've got 2 assholes and a dude I never speak to.

  3. The day we settled on our house, our neighbor (who will be hence forth known as crazy lady) was at my husband's car window before he even got out of the car flipping out that he was parked in her parking spot. He was a tire's length over our walkway.

    I would just like to mention:
    1. She lived alone and had one car. She never even used that 2nd parking space.
    2. We came to find out that technically we were still parked in our spot. We actually had to have the association come to mark the spots with dots.

    Whenever she would come home, if she thought someone was parked too close to one of her spots, she would honk her horn and set off her car alarm. She would then proceed to pull in and pull out. And pull in and pull out. And pull in and pull out. And continue setting off her car alarm.

    Oh I could do this all day...

  4. 1 weird neighbor doesn't make you queen of shit other than being queen of having one weird neighbor. Who doesn't allow fireworks on the 5th of July when the 4th was rained out? Who crashes into a parked car then comes and curses at the homeowner to say that he wrecked a car?

    Although, we should move all these dopes into one neighborhood and let them duke it out against each other.

  5. Crazy lady threatened to kill my husband because her dog got wrapped around our rain gutter because she was too lazy to walk it. We had to replace our rain gutter, but somehow it was my husband's fault. Who does that?

    She also accused us of dealing drugs out of our home. Ranted and raved one day about my "pot and weed smoking." I've never even touched the stuff. Lunatic.

    She would bang on our walls when she thought we were being too loud, although one night around 2am she woke us up when she banged on the wall for no reason. The one time she banged on the wall, Brian banged back. Guess what? She called the cops. She would also call our house and hang up.

    Again, I could go on and on.